he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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