Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
