i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
