He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we're making bets on your personal life
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
