my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He did a backflip because drugs
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