Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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