i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
