brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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