sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
