she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
