Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
