So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
