I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
