so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
