My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
