my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
