I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
