1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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