Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
