She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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