i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
