Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
