just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
