Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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