Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
