And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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