he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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