My sheets look like a crime scene.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I want to fling myself into the sun
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
