I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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