Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
