I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
