Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
