I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What a dumb baby whore.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
