i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Randomize
