i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
