there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
