thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
