He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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