Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
