i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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