I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
