The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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