I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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