getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
