I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
