You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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