How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
