why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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