I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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