I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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